These two jokes are a little risque – but not dangerously off-color.
JOKE #1:
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” said Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thought for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa said, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and said, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removed his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa said, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removed his dentures and bit his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asked “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looked carefully and decides there is no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agreed again.
Grandpa stood beside the desk and unzipped his pants. Although he strained mightily, he could not make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinated all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaped with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asked.
“Not really,” said the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
JOKE #2:
A man woke up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looked in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there was an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’ So, he called the number and the bear remover said he would be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrived and got out of his van. He brought a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asked.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asked the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof shoot the dog.”
